Lisanne Iriks – WA Today
Family Conflict & Mediation Expert, Founder of The Co-Parenting Institute
Know a man who has recently separated? It might be worth checking in.
One of my family conflict mediation clients came to my office and told me about the day he returned from working a fly-in, fly-out swing to find his house empty. The furniture was gone – and so were his wife and kids.
This was a traumatic experience and incredibly painful. He was so upset about the situation, but he was still processing it and had not had any counselling.
He spoke to his friends about it, but not in too much detail as he didn’t want to burden them. He reached out to his family for support, but as he still hoped they would get back together, he didn’t want to badmouth his wife.
A situation like this can make separation a lonely and isolating journey.
Data shows women separate from men more than the other way around. Often in my practice I see that one parent has grieved the relationship while still in the relationship, while the other parent feels blindsided and doesn’t know what’s hit them. This can be the man or the woman, but anecdotally, I feel more men think the separation has come out of the blue, while women more often “grieve before they leave”. What this means for those men is that they need to deal with all the practicalities of a separation at the same time they deal with all the emotions.
Often men are also the ones moving out of the family home, which comes with other challenges. Finding a new home to live in, while also paying child support and being away from their children, can be extremely difficult, especially when you do not want to separate in the first place.
In my mediation practice, men often tell me they perceive their situation as unfair, and it is very hard on their mental health. Of course every separation has its own unique set of circumstances, and separation is difficult for both men and women, however, I also believe that men talk less to their peers about their feelings, and are less likely to see a mental health professional.
I am seeing men talking and going to health professionals more, though, which is positive, and something I recommend. Many workplaces have employee assistance programs, which provide free and anonymous support.
With men’s mental health in the spotlight this week for International Men’s Health Week (June 10-16) these are the top five reasons that men need to be supported throughout the separation process.
They need to be able to parent effectively
A father’s mental wellbeing directly impacts his ability to effectively co-parent and support his children during and after a separation. Mental health issues can hinder a father’s capacity to provide emotional support, maintain consistency and make good decisions regarding the children’s upbringing.
It’s better for their children’s wellbeing
Children do not cope better than their parents. If Dad is not coping, it will impact the children’s wellbeing. It is very difficult to be emotionally available and support your child if you are not doing OK and don’t feel strong within yourself.
It will help the conflict resolution process
Separation can be emotionally charged, leading to conflicts between co-parents. A father’s mental health affects his ability to navigate these conflicts constructively, communicate effectively, and collaborate with the other parent in the best interests of the children. Separation is not harmful for children – ongoing conflict is. If Dad is feeling OK, he will be much better at dealing with conflict and working out realistic and rational solutions to problems with the other parent.
They will be better role models
Fathers serve as role models for their children, in how they handle adversity and manage their emotions. By prioritising their mental health during separation, fathers demonstrate to their children the importance of self-care, resilience, and seeking help when needed. This sets a positive example and equips children with valuable coping strategies for their own future challenges.
It will allow them to build resilience, cope and adapt
Separation and co-parenting arrangements often entail significant life changes and emotional upheaval for fathers. Prioritising mental health allows fathers to build resilience, cope with the stressors of separation, and adapt to their new roles and responsibilities effectively. Lots of men still think it is not acceptable to show emotions or to seek help. But it’s the best thing that you can do as a father.
If you know a father who has recently separated, reach out and check how they’re going. Sometimes it only takes one conversation to help someone feel seen, and it could help save a life. Separations can be amicable, and there is much joy to be found in co-parenting – if everyone is on the same page.